Cows, culture(d meat) & capitalism

What a time to be alive, for a cow. Not a day goes by without something new for us to chew on related to the future of our bovine friends. So I decided to jot down a timeline for you all to ruminate on.

What do you think? Socialism: You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both, then gives you some milk.

The cows die of neglect. Capitalism: You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Capitalism in 2000: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire to a houseboat in Florida.

Capitalism in 2019: You have two cows. You co-develop a dairy SaaS platform with a Dutch startup that allows you to monitor your herd remotely.

You beta test a drone-enabled milking device. 2GS Ventures and Bleatsheep invest in your startup. You headline at the World Agripolooza conference in São Paulo.

Everyone feels good. Capitalism in 2021: You have two cows.

You hire a consultant from Grain Capital, who advises you to reverse one cow into a NASDAQ-listed SPAC, and then force it to produce the milk of four cows. Its performance falls off a cliff in the first few weeks of trading.

The share price drops by 50%. Capitalism in 2022: You have two cows.

You kill both to reduce your methane emissions and take a biopsy of their residual embryonic stem cells. Bill Plates hears about your technology at Davos and invests.

Your lab harvests 40 million luxury cell-cultured leather bags in its first year of production. You host your AGM at COP27. Capitalism in 2030: There are no cows left.